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A Winter Afternoon

The maple leaves have all fallen from the tree outside my study window.

I can hear my husband downstairs in the kitchen playing with my talking scales provided by my ever-thoughtful sisters in law.

Apparently, we are having a special treat for dinner.

It must be pretty special indeed if there is measuring and weighing to be done.

I will ask him what we are having, and he will reply it is none of my business.

This is all part of the game.

We will go back and forth like this for the remainder of the afternoon. And out of deference to the kindness he is showing, I will avoid the kitchen, so we can enjoy the surprise.

Heaven help me if he starts quizzing me Master Chef Style as he did last week. Because these days I am usually so hungry, I barely taste what we are having of an evening.

Note to self, slow down.

Little Miss Emily Kate chatterbox Darcy is asleep in her cot.

Yesterday we spent the day in her room simply playing with one another. She becomes more interactive and fun each day.

She met the baby in the mirror, and they had a very animated discussion. However, sometimes they needed to be separated, because they would get upset with one another.

Luckily, she still had the 100-year-old rocking chair to talk to instead, because now she has started… She does not stop. Babble babble babble, bubble bubble bubble, all day long. I absolutely love it.

I love how she holds my index finger in her hand. And how her cute little chin feels under my fingers when I pop her dummy back in her mouth.

This of course meant I got very little work done.

I am learning to focus intensely for fifteen-minute increments, because sometimes that is all I have.

However I still get caught in the overwhelm.

I know I need to get back to working on the business, but where to start?

I am having a professional identity crisis.

While isolating my core message is proving more difficult than I had anticipated

I simply do not know how to answer the base questions.

I mean I know what I want to do, and why I want to do it, but implementing the how is proving to be a stumbling block.

And perhaps it is best if we avoid discussing the online infrastructure for the time being.

I am so confused about that aspect of our empire.

It should go without saying, accessibility to information, and inclusive design principles are an integral part of our aspirations. Thus, it is a fine line between lining up our talking ducks, and just putting something out there.

After all, it is easier to build a good reputation than try and repair a bad one.

In addition, one of our primary objectives apart from creating something fabulously funky is to create a superb customer experience.

As it stands at the moment, my bank accounts are costing me more to keep than they are making.

I know Michael is working on the administration side of things, and once we’re all caught up, I am sure things will flow more freely, but in the meantime, it is hard to truelly enjoy motherhood, when part of me is always worrying about our basic needs.

I try to be as present as possible, but I cannot help be somewhat envious of those “other” women, who have it all.

Mind you, I am not sure what “all” means, whether it be less ambition, better organisation, more money, a willingness to give up time with the family, or the not having to… However, whatever it is, I confess to thinking about how much easier it would be if I were not so entrepreneurial minded.

When I start looking at it like that, it is easy to judge my previous lives, rather than simply acknowledging I was doing the best I could at the time, and it is ok to move on.

Thoughts Such as I wish I had made more of my opportunities when I was younger, waft all casual like through my mind.

They pretend not to be significant, with their loose gestures, and informal tones. However, I know better than to fall for those tricks. I know what they are really here for… They want their dues.

You know, things like bought a flat, invested in shares, pushed harder, saved more, spent less…

However, I did not.

So here we are.

Thus, this is how I pay for the bad decisions of Christmas’s past.

It does not matter the justification I use, the circumstances of, or the reasoning behind my previous precariousness, the fact remains, we are not in a stable position, and I wish we were.

However, I cannot imagine either of us going back to full time work in the traditional sense.

We are just not that kind of family.

SO the question becomes, how do we build something, which works, around our lifestyle, as opposed to the other way around?

Our family has been a long time coming, and I do not want to miss enjoying us.

Truth be told, there was a period where neither of us were sure we would ever get to be a part of something other than ourselves. Therefore, we are acutely aware of how lucky we are to have found one another, let alone created our amazing little turtle mouth hiccuppy Buddha belly hungry legs wiggle butt hurry up and do a poo because it has been days whatever did we do before her miracle.

As usual, Michael is as strong and steadfast as a rock, while I am the butterfly who flitters from flower to flower. Forever chasing the next bright colour and illusive sparkle.

We balance one another out quite nicely, but sometimes I move to fast, and forget to understand his logic. Which by the way is actual logic, as compared to my not so logic logic.

I mean, we knew it would be a close call, and in fact, we are managing a lot better than I thought we might, but given neither of us are huge risk takers, it is a little scary to be walking this close to the edge.

I am used to having a little more money up my sleeve for just in case type cases.

I know things will be fine, and I can definitely see how the universe is supporting us in all sorts of ways, which I am incredibly grateful.

I simply need to be a little more mindful in my manifesting. And put a little more energy, time, and resources into the activities, which will move us forward, and create greater freedom in our world.

We both possess good business acumen, even if our approaches are almost the opposite of one another.

In the meantime, I am trying to remember when exactly I stopped seeing the lines in his rugged face. Not because I stopped looking, because I never stop looking, but because the details have simply disappeared.

He assures me it does not matter, and all I need to know is how much more handsome he grows with the passage of time.

However, I have to wonder, when did the sun get too bright, and the night become too dark?

When did I start running into almost everything?

Moreover, more importantly, what am I going to do about it?

It seems to me there is no longer a perfect time of day for me to see with ease.

It used to be dusk, which bothered me the most. Now, now, it is all hard work.

It has been many years since I have bothered to even attempt opening my mail, or looking intensely in the mirror.

I wonder if I will still be able to see Little by the time she goes to school.

I wonder if she knows I cannot see her way daddy can.

I try not to think about how my lack of vision will affect her.

God I hope I do a good job raising her.

The guide dog conversation is edging ever closer. It thinks I do not notice, but I know… Oh, how well I know.

I am still dead against it mind you.

I do not think it is the answer.

I had been thinking that maybe Michael does not trust me to take Little out on my own because…

He has always been protective of me. But I was beginning to wonder if he is seeing something perhaps, I am not.

I mean I know I am tired, and that can affect my vision, but… Is that all it is?

When I finally got my brave on, and asked him, he said the reason he does not like me to take Little out on my own now, is because I need to readjust, and regain my confidence.

Having her really took a toll on my body, and the recovery has been unexpectedly slow and strange.

Naturally I have been giving myself a hard time about this, because I have been comparing myself to those fictional designer yoga pants wearing, power walking, pram pushing mummies who I strive to emulate.

I should have been back on my feet by now

I really did not think getting out and about would take so much planning or preparation.

As usual, I think I may have forgotten to factor in the minor detail of my not being able to see, when I was imagining how this parenting thing was going to play out.

 

Published inBusiness BanterRandom Musings

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