It is Saturday night as I begin to write this week’s words.
I have been relegated upstairs so that Michael can watch a boy movie he has already seen a thousand times before.
You’ve got a blog to write, he had said before shooing me away with a flourish of his hand and a quick kiss.
Too bad this post will not write itself.
Finding the right words is like pulling teeth.
Everything feels jilted and stilted, as though something is broken.
Rather like looking at a memory through shattered glass.
There are all these pieces which in theory should make up one big beautiful picture, but instead they are fragmented and all over the place.
I feel disconnected.
So here I am, tucked up in bed, and trying to remember if my Lorna Jane royal blue core stability tank top did indeed come with padding, and I have lost them somewhere in the wash, or I am just imagining things.
Surely, I would not buy a top without padding. I mean these puppies need all the help they can get.
This week has been a big one in terms of baby girl milestones.
And oh thank God, mummy has been a bit happier.
I am still strung out, but happier and more hopeful nonetheless.
I am not sure who did Monday breakfast, but whoever it was, would have been thanking the good Lord above for the humble coffee bean. Because that is pretty much what is fuelling this household right now.
I have a feeling it was extremely early, and that it may have been Michael.
I say this because if memory serves me correctly, I tried to get up with her, but my head was pounding, and after changing her nappy, I fell back into bed, and daddy had to pick up the slack, while I tried to sleep it off.
Ouch, ouch ouch ouch ouch, migraine alert.
Their morning was spent playing in the backyard, before we headed to the doctors.
Emily amused herself by sharing my thongs with the lady next to us as we waited to go in.
Thank you darling.
We barely made it home before she was asleep.
However when she did go down, this enabled Michael to duck off for what I suspect to be one of the last swims of the season, and a catch up with his best mate.
Meanwhile I sat quietly in the sun and waited for a certain cutie cute cute cute to wake up so we could head into the city.
I could not help but chuckle to myself at our circumstance as I readied us to go.
Wasn’t it just last week that I had proclaimed I always let Little’s need dictate which mode of baby transport we will take?
Umm, yes, well, no.
Mama’s headache from hell meant that even though someone way to cheeky and cute wold have preferred the pram, we had to take the hippy thing instead.
I could not have coped with the physicality of the pram.
At least when I wear her, she is more a part of my body space, and I feel I have more control and containment over the situation.
I was beginning to think she would never wake up, as I anxiously watched the minutes tick over.
We were due to meet our friend Liz and her guide dog Poppi at 3:00PM, and at2:16PM Emily was still not awake.
When she finally arose from her beautiful I so needed that slumber, we were out the door in record time.
I threw a bottle of formula in my bag for a liquid lunch I could give her on the train, along with a thousand water crackers, the mandatory frozen peas, some cheese, and a couple of slices of left over yummy lamb for good measure.
Oh, and a banana. One must not forget the banana.
The train ride was fairly uneventful, apart from the elderly gentleman who tried to wave me on from sitting next to him on the platform, as his grocery bags were taking up two seats.
I pretended to ignore him, and just stood there dumb struck.
I mean what does he think I carry this cane for.
At one point, he even tried to grab my bag and pull me away.
Yeah, like that was ever going to work.
Sometimes I seriously have to wonder what people think when they see me. Because on what planet is that behaviour acceptable? Sure, it may be less intrusive than pulling my arm, but really.
Not surprisingly, Emily and I did get the seat I originally approached, and enough said on the matter.
There was not really anyone to play with on the train, so Emily had to be content with her mummy, and licking, I mean looking out the window.
I am fairly certain if the lady opposite us wasn’t preparing to meet her divorce lawyer, she would have loved to entertain my baby, because between phone calls she would look up and say something nice to us. However, it was obvious she had bigger things on her mind.
I was a little taken aback when we disembarked from the train, because as I walked toward the ticketing barrier everything sounded different.
For months, Wynyard station has been cladded in plywood, so the echo has been rather closed in, and I have only finally become confident with where things are located. However now they are opening things up again. So with change comes uncertainty.
Why they needed to move the barriers, in the first place I will never know. Especially if they are going to open up the same shops inside as were there before.
I mean seriously.
Do not tell me the government is spending money on unnecessary upgrades, and then claiming they have not enough revenue, so must must must utilise those multimedia advertisements I hate so much.
We were only fifteen minutes late as we headed up the stairs to our designated meeting spot.
Liz, where are you, I called as we hit the open air.
Over here, she responded in true blindy style.
Poppi and Emily could barely contain themselves when they saw one another.
So um, how do you teach a one year old who loves loves loves puppy dogs that when Poppi has her harness on, she is working?
And how do you teach a Poppi who loves loves loves one year olds that they are not a toy to play with while she is working?
Redirecting Emily to Liz’s glasses was easy, but a certain blond four-legged lady was not so easily refocused.
However, she managed to hit her stride once we got moving.
Normally when I see Poppi, we completely ignore one another.
I think she knows who I am, because she leads Liz to me, but that is as far as our interaction goes.
We headed to my favourite coffee shop, but they were closed. Therefore, we had to find somewhere else to sit.
Liz had a secondary option up her sleeve, and I was impressed with how useful Poppi was at finding doorways and other such necessary details.
Sometimes, and only sometimes, do I wonder if a dog would be worth it, but then I come back to my senses and remember my vow to wait for the robot-dog.
I am telling you people, that bad boy is not as far off as you think.
If they can make driverless cars, then surely an electronic guide dog is easy.
All I need is a philanthropist to fund this thing, and we will be good to go.
So, any takers?
Oh my God, what if I started a go fund me campaign.
That would be funny!
I had to laugh when Liz thought she was taking us to the Ivy, but we actually ended up in the Travel Lodge.
Too funny girl.
It may have not been ideal, but the idea of traipsing around the city in search of a nice ambient café was all too hard. At least for me.
I just wanted to sit and talk with my girlfriend.
We asked a staff member to seat us, Poppi under one chair, and Emily under the other.
The problem being, every time Emily got a treat, Poppi felt as though she ought to receive one as well. Because according to her doggy logic, Emily and she were equals.
Baby girl was a bit wiggly and restless as we drank our coffee; therefore, I was a bit concerned that Liz would think I was not interested in the conversation.
The reason we had agreed to meet, was that I had to deliver her the new navy blue cane she had commissioned our company to make.
Which by the way is absolutely stunning, and I now want one for myself.
Do you think it would be ok if we matched?
I promise I won’t use it if we meet. Unless of course it happens to go with my outfit, and then all bets are off.
After we parted ways, Emily and I went to find nanny, who was working half a block away from where we were.
Originally, I thought we would meet her for lunch, but ummm…
Emily loved the sound of her own voice echoing through the reception chamber as we waited for the lift to take us to her office.
I had been there once before, but they were renovating. Therefore, this time we got as far as the front door, and Emily began to call.
Luckily, nanny recognised her granddaughter’s voice, because she was not picking up the phone.
We sat and played at her feet for forty minutes or so, as we waited for her day to be over.
The office was open plan, and Emily loved to crawl around and say hello to everyone.
At one point, she crawled out of her pants.
It was so cute to see her little nappied bottom poking out from under her shirt as she stood at the low-lying bookshelves pulling books on to the floor.
Apparently, “how to write good English” was not the title she was after.
Then she did a big fat pooh, which I hoped nobody else could smell.
It was almost dark as we left the office and walked mum to her hotel so we could change madam butterfly bottom into a fresh nappy. After which we went on a brief hunt for a coffee, but came up empty. Therefore, she put us on a train, and we headed home.
It was the tail end of peak hour, so baby girl had plenty of people to keep her occupied.
We had stopped at the supermarket earlier to buy a tin of formula, so I could have an emergency bottle on the train if we needed.
The problem was, as we stood at the scant choice of formula brands on the shelf, I could not remember which one we actually used.
We settled for something I knew was not right, but for the life of me could not figure out why.
But either way it would have to do.
However luckily for us, the forgotten banana in the bottom of my bag, along with some very friendly commuters did the trick in getting us to our destination.
How I am going to teach Emily to sit still on the train, I will never know.
She used to be really good at it, but the last few times she has been eager to explore.
So much so, that it makes me nervous to take her.
Of course, I don’t let her down on to the floor, but she’ll crawl to anyone along the bench seat if she thinks they might.
It was almost 7:00PM when we pulled into the station and met daddy at the platform.
This was the latest we had ever ever ever been out together.
I was proud of our effort, as I stumbled behind my family in the pitch black as we walked home.
I would like to say Emily went down without a peep, but that is not entirely true.
Someone has not slept well since we came back from Katie’s house.
That travel cot she is going to give us may well end up in my room at this rate. Which now I think of it, is an absolute stroke of genius.
Tuesday the best husband ever took the early shift again.
Good work honey.
Meanwhile I spent the morning catching up with a couple of ladies I met online to discuss that playground project I said I was too tired to take on from last week.
However, this is too big and important for me to leave alone.
I was quite reserved throughout our informal coffee, and almost reluctant to commit, which is either a sign of how my perspective after having Little is changing and softening, or just how exhausted and defeated I am feeling. Because normally I would be at this with greater enthusiasm.
What I mean is that I am learning how much I can take on, as opposed to how much energy, time, and resources I am willing to give.
It was lovely to meet the girls, and the conversation left me buoyant and high-spirited.
I practically skipped home to see my baby girl.
When I arrived, the most amazing thing happened.
I walked through the door, and when I knelt down to greet Miss Little, she took her first step by herself, and landed in my lap.
I nearly cried with joy at the event.
I was so worried that I was going to miss it.
Michael and I looked at each other with glee.
We could barely believe our luck that we were both there to witness the monumental occasion.
Back and forth, she went between us, with the biggest proudest smile on her face.
One-step, then two steps, then two more…
It was amazing!
As usual when she went down for a nap, Michael disappeared for a swim, and I stayed home to work on a blog.
There is so much to do, but so little time.
Again, exercise was shelved in favour of the written word. Which if you are the page, is fabulous, but if we are discussing my thighs, and sense of body image is not so fabulous.
I feel horrible.
The remainder of our afternoon was spent playing in the backyard, eating bickies, and generally having a good time.
Emily and I threw the ball to each other, she shared her leaves, we got so wet that we needed an early bath, and then we read books.
Meanwhile I had sent daddy on a wild goose chase in search of some new play equipment for Little.
I think we went through four outfits that day before she put her pyjamas on ready for bed.
Wednesday started out the same way as usual. Breakfast on the kitchen floor, playing in the lounge room, and then the great discovery of her new picnic table in the garden.
Yes, now baby girl has her own special seat in café meg.
Up and over she climbed, back and forth as if it was a set of stairs. However when I showed her she could actually sit down on the bench like a big girl and have two bickies, she couldn’t believe how good this pink and purple plastic thing was.
I love helping her discover new uses for her toys. Her little face lights up with joy at the discovery.
Everything is so enchanting.
I knew the instant I saw her sitting on the tabletop, looking as proud as punch, that this was a good find. And to think I was against her having too many toddler sized things before I was a parent.
Funnily enough, I cannot remember the logic behind that now. Probably something, to do with her fitting into my world rather than my creating a world she would love.
Again it had been such an early start, and although Michael had offered to drop me to my destination a couple of suburbs over, I was worried that the trip would be just long enough for Emily to fall asleep, but not long enough to keep her asleep if daddy wanted to put her into bed when they came home. Therefore, I declined his offer, and we headed toward the train.
I was to be the model for the new laser hair removal machine a friend of mine has bought for her beauty spa.
As far as I saw it, we both won.
Her beauty therapists got a body to practice on, and I got my legs done for free.
I mean haven’t I been promising myself laser hair removal for years?
Sure, I might not be paying for it, but the end result is still the same.
Thank you universe.
I arrived at our designated time, and as I stood on the street corner waiting for Merryn to fetch me, it occurred to me that I really could not see a thing.
I believe my exact thought was, I can’t see a fucking thing, as I stood glaring into the shadow of what I assumed was a building opposite.
It still shocks me you know. The whole not seeing.
I remember when I could see. I remember how much easier things were.
Oh and the colours.
I miss colour.
Sometimes when I am sitting on the kitchen floor with Little, her entire face will disappear in front of my eyes.
That is the only way I know how to describe it.
Sort of like one of those special effects, you see on television.
One moment she is there, and the next, she has vanished.
I think this is why I often let Michael feed her, or I give her finger foods she can pick up by herself.
I sat quietly as the trainer went through the gazillion contraindications for the procedure, and tried to be patient.
I could have been at home with Little, I kept thinking as the time dragged on.
When we decided to break for lunch, I took the opportunity to tag along as Merryn whisked us to the local Sushi joint, followed by the supermarket.
Who knew these things were here, I thought with bewilderment as we went from one to another.
I had felt too a shamed to ask Emma, my orientation and mobility instructor to come and give me a lesson in the area because it was so close to where I lived, and surely I could figure it out.
Umm, apparently not.
I never would have found the supermarket, the sushi joint, or the station exit if it were not for other people.
I keep asking myself how it has come to this.
I was surprised when we started with the laser that it did not actually hurt.
I mean for anyone who has braved up in past, you will know what a bitch those machines can be. However, this new one was amazing. It was just like having a hot stone massage, accept with a million bursts of light, and the metallic surface was ice cold.
I would imagine for the user it is rather like working with an iron. Instead of a shirt, they are working on a person.
It took far longer than I expected in terms of from when I walked in the door until when I left, and I was worried that I was holding Michael up from doing whatever it is he likes to do when he does not have Little.
However when I rang him to let him know I would be home in ten minutes, he told me that they were having far too much fun at the good park, and would not be back for at least an hour.
In my mind, I had considered going to Kmart to exchange my boots, but by the time I got home, I could not muster the strength to face the world again.
So that chore would have to be left for another day.
True to their word, my flush faced family bounded through the door almost an hour later, whereby Emily greeted me with one of her legendary cuddles, and then quickly proceeded to the back yard for some more playing and a couple of bickies.
Because that is what we do, you know.
While the weather is good, we take our high/low tea outside.
There was nothing new or remarkable about our bedtime routine, so why oh why Little did you not want to sleep?
Getting her down was a nightmare. As in a horrible horrible never-ending nightmare.
I tried, then Michael tried, then I tried again, then Michael tried.
Oh my God, but the poor sweetie pie just could not settle. She was trying so hard, but her tiny body would not slow down.
I got so cranky, which is usually my default response to I feel helpless, powerless, worthless, a failure, afraid, or vulnerable.
I think this time it was more the powerless to help our daughter feel better.
When I felt her ears, they were warm, which is usually an indication of something being not quite right.
This then left me feeling afraid.
However even after some medicine, she still could not settle.
Hours past, as I tried everything I could think of to help her calm down.
Eventually Michael got her to sleep, but even that was short lived.
Which was when it happened.
I cannot say when exactly, but sometime while it was still dark, Michael brought the cutie cute cute cute in with us.
Yep, remember that thing we swore we would never ever ever ever do?
Our one cardinal rule we have actually stuck to as parents.
Yep, well, umm, so much for that one.
Every night since, baby girl has been brought into our bed at some wee hour or another.
She used to settle easily after a bottle of milk and a nappy change, but now when she wakes during the middle of the night, she refuses to go back down.
She will scream the house down in protest.
We try and leave her, we try and cuddle her, and we try and pat her bottom.
But nothing works.
The problem with having sweetie pie with us is that none of us sleeps well.
Sure it might be better if Little at least did, but she does not.
Whether she likes it or not, she is a girl who is most comfortable in her own bed.
Thursday was mama’s usual workday, and although it was quiet, there was enough to keep me occupied courtesy of a super long blog post and a couple of clients.
Katie Lee rang me as I was travelling in on the train, and hearing her voice, I began to feel more hopeful about our situation. Not through anything she said, but just because.
Our last get together may not have gone as I expected, but bigger picture, as in beyond my control type bigger picture, it went according to the universe’s plan. So much so, that I am even willing to try it all again.
Yes, even I am surprised at how quickly I have bounced back.
Meanwhile Michael and Emily braved the zoo. I say braved, because my husband thought he would take Little even though it was school holidays. He was hoping the rain would keep people away, but apparently not.
Their main objective was to see the bird show again.
Did you know that 50% of the world’s owl species hunt during the day?
I did not.
Loving those zoo facts honey, keep them coming.
They were a bit sad when the big birds did not come out to play. And for what reason we don’t yet know. However having first look close up at the black cockatoo made up for the lack of vulture action.
I love love love it when they do fun stuff together.
I never feel as though I am missing out, but rather that I wish I could provide the means for them to do more.
I think I am going to have to look for a deal for the sea aquarium. I was reading another mama blog the other day, and she said it was a great place for toddlers.
We all arrived home pretty much at the same time, and again spent our afternoon playing in the yard before daddy and Emily had to head to the supermarket for a bottle of milk, then down the park because a certain baby girl was not dirty enough for her bath.
This was all well and good in theory, because history suggests that Emily loves bath time.
Well she did love bath time, but on Thursday evening, she refused to sit down, and it has pretty much been that way ever since.
I wondered if her bottom was sore, but Michael said there was no sign of redness or a rash.
Again getting her down took an age, and she did not really stay there.
Granted she was more settled than the previous evening, but still she ended up in our bed at some point.
The strange thing is, when she lies next to her daddy, and it has always been this way, he can roll over and she won’t move a muscle. However if I even stretch my fingers, she wakes up almost instantly.
I ask you, What is that?
Friday was another early start; although I do not know why I keep calling them that given they are the norm. But oh, my God anything before 6:00AM is really difficult.
Again, I headed to work for the day in search of a few crumbs for our table, and Michael stayed home with baby girl.
When I left them at the station, there plan was to have a relaxing day at home.
So much so, that baby girl was still in her pyjamas.
However when I spoke to them later, they had dropped by the park on their way home, followed by a spontaneous catch up with Emily’s best friend Ronya at the library, before finally coming home for a sleep. Only to recharge the batteries before going out to the good park in the afternoon. Not to mention all the hard-core playing, which happened in the garden that day.
Therefore, by the time I got home, they had declared it the most playingist day ever.
Fortunately, story time was not on due to it being school holidays, because I am not sure my two play buddies would have had time.
They had the best day.
Emily was really happy.
Getting her down on Friday was awful, and we were in for another restless night.
Now that Little can say cu for cuddle, we are in so much trouble. Because how do you refuse a baby girl who asks for a hug when you walk in the room.
Once again, she ended up in our bed, after what seemed like hours of sleeplessness, doziness, and cry cry cryingness.
It seems the more we promise ourselves that we will do what it takes to keep her in her own bed, the more she pushes back, and the quicker she ends up in with us because it is all simply too hard to have it any other way.
It is easy to have a strong resolve at 8:00PM, and not so easy at 3:00AM.
Then I have to ask the question, why are we so bent on holding this fixed point of view anyway?
It seems to me that I am judging the shit out of my kid in terms of what she should and should not be doing, rather than just loving her and rolling with it. Because wouldn’t that be easier?
I know it is not rocket science. SO why do I buy into the collective insanity of it all.
I love you sweetie pie, and I am sorry for being a mean mama bitch.
I will do some internal work on that, and hopefully we will both be better off for my self-examination.
I took the morning shift, allowing Michael to enjoy a well-earned sleep-in.
The problem was, while making Emily’s peanut butter tost; I noticed we did not have enough milk for coffee.
This could have potentially been a disaster.
A world without coffee is not something I want to comprehend, let alone have Michael face. Therefore, there was nothing else for it, Emily and I needed to get dressed, and go on a hunt.
I picked her up and put her on the hippy thing, and out the door, we went.
I briefly considered the pram, but felt I needed the cane to help us get through the checkout. We gently walked up the street, Emily with her head resting on my shoulder as she waved at all the cars and anyone who would pass.
We found the milk without incident.
I ran my hand along the second shelf, counted eight bottles across, and picked up the ninth.
It was a bit of a wild guess actually, because I was not sure if I were far enough along.
Luckily, there was a staff member stacking products in their place nearby who was busy ogling us that I could double check with.
The poor guy had to pick his jaw off the floor before he could answer my question.
Sorry dude, but that was priceless.
Next, we headed to the checkout where I think we had the same girl as last time. I sat Emily on the conveyer belt as I handed over my cash, and put the milk in my bag.
Meanwhile she made friends with the lady behind us by holding her bread. The bag was soft, plasticy, shiny, and crinkly. And what is not to love about that?
God love her she had tried to carry our milk, but it was just too heavy and awkward for her little body.
I felt very accomplished as I hoisted the cutie cute cute cute back on to my hip.
Not only had we tackled the milk situation, but I had not even had to think about it.
Maybe next time we will buy two items.
We stopped by the park for a quick play on the way home at Little’s request.
I was surprised when we had the whole place to ourselves given the time of day.
Back and forth across the rickety bridge, she climbed as I stressed about where was the best place to stand in order to protect her from the edges of the equipment.
I kept racing around from one point to another, always talking to her.
When I asked Michael about how he did it, he said sometimes he felt the same.
However, his legs are longer than mine, and his movements don’t have that halted blindiness to them.
We were quietly having fun, but then we had to go home due to a nappy blow out.
I was relieved to find Michael still asleep as we crept up the stairs. God knew he needed it.
However as we reached the top we must have woken him because he began to call baby girl.
She was so excited to jump on him.
Ten minutes later, I was being handed a cup of coffee as Little played outside in the yard.
Thank you darling.
Sometime around the mid-morning mark, my friend Dave rang and we had a long chat about blindy stuff, and how bitter and twisted we can get at times. Particularly around stupid bureaucracy and poor built environment design.
We had not spoken since he moved to Melbourne in December, and I had not realised how much I had missed his company until then.
Good to hear you are doing well my friend.
Eventually I had to go so I could put sweetie pie to bed.
Michael then made us lunch before heading out for a swim.
Emily slept forever, but I got nothing done.
I kept waiting for her to wake up.
I was stuck in the vortex of if I begin; she is bound to rise just as I get started so why bother.
Turns out this was almost three hours of why bother thinking whereby I could have bothered.
I had planned to take us to Kmart so I could exchange my boots, but we were having such a good time playing in the backyard, that I did not want to upset the apple cart.
After all, it was only shopping.
So we continued our game of ball, climbing, walking, and eating leaves until daddy came home. After which he took Emily to the park for an even bigger play.
She is so tricky.
Her latest thing is to walk to me, knowing full well she will get a big squeezy cuddle, and then she turns around grabbing each of my index fingers along the way, thus forcing me to walk with her around and around and around.
You’re so clever and cute Little.
We went through our usual long ritual of getting her down, whereby she insisted on an audience, before once again ending up in our bed at some ungodly hour.
By ungodly I mean 3:55AM.
How do I know, because she did not go back to sleep.
At 5:00AM Michael gave up and got up with her.
It was the best three hours sleep I had received all week.
After breakfast, my husband took the unusual step of piling us into the car and taking us to Kmart so I could exchange my shoes etc.
He hates shopping, and I hate going with him, so I was surprised when he had offered.
It felt good to walk through the shopping centre and have him on my arm. What is more, he actually trusted I knew where I was going, so we didn’t have to have that invisible tension while I wait for him to catch up on a visual level.
Anyone who knows Michael knows his sense of direction is ridiculously inaccurate, and it drives me crazy. Especially because mine is normally pretty good, yet he has a barrier to relying on it as a matter of course.
Kmart was easy, and we found a couple of things to go on the wish list.
And what do you know; my husband even had a good time.
So much so that we then walked the length of the mal to Target, where he wanted to look for a little gardening set for baby girl.
She needs a watering can like her daddy so they can do the plants together.
I was not completely surprised when Emily did not fall asleep in the car on the way home the way she had on the way up, because I was sure after some lunch and a bottle, she would go back down for at least an hour.
No no no no no!
Each time I asked Little if she wanted to go to bed and have a sleep, she answered with a yes. SO I knew she was tired.
However when Michael left for a swim, I was left with a baby girl who screamed the house down each time I put her into her cot.
Then each time I walked up the stairs and made the statement of that’s not sleeping, she would promptly tell me she did with a big smile.
How is a girl supposed to argue with that.
Eventually after ringing grandma, nanny, my sister Jess, and our friend Katie Lee, we gave up and headed out the door.
It was raining, but the pram was the only thing that would calm madam butterfly bottom down.
I knew that spending the afternoon in the lounge room was not going to cut it.
SO I asked her if she wanted a walk, and off we went.
My plan had been to walk around the block a couple of times, whereby she would fall asleep, I would come home, park the pram inside, and leave her there for the duration.
No no no no no!
We had just headed around the first corner when I ran into some bright orange mesh protecting a newly concreted driveway.
I quickly turned around as though nothing had happened and headed back up the hill.
I was not going to go on to the road just to get around the obstruction.
Didn’t they know this was my block?
It was fully paved, and there were no roads to cross if I came up the middle through the park.
I felt a bit frustrated at the inconvenience.
In my haste, I then ran into one of those small green electricity boxes dotted around the place, and then I felt stupid and inadequate.
Come on sweetie, let’s go and see if the library is open, I said, trying to hold the tears back.
Why I was on the brink of crying I do not know.
I mean I hate bumping into stuff, but surely, it was deeper than the green electricity box jumping out into my path.
Slowly we strolled to the library, baby girl quietly contemplating the world from under the pram raincoat, which I finally figured out.
Now that I know it, I cannot understand how I did not know it before.
It is way too easy.
It only took me one go to find the skinny ramp, which leads to the entrance.
I would like to think nobody saw me balk at it, but who knows, and who really gives a shit in the bigger scheme of things.
The point is I am doing stuff with my daughter.
We are not just sitting at home alone.
And I am really proud of that fact.
At least I am willing to give things a go.
Thank God, the facility was open.
I was fairly certain it would be, but after speaking to Katie earlier in the day, which is what had given me the idea in the first place, I thought ours might be closed just as hers was.
Not that it really would have mattered. After all, we were out for a walk. The library was merely a direction and possible destination to aim toward.
Inside we trundled, where I lifted sweetie pie out, and she was the picture of happiness.
She crawled off in search of a stool, which sounded like a drum when she hit it, and a load of books she could spend hours pulling from the shelves.
It was a bit disconcerting being in the open toddler area without anyone else for support.
Only because I had forgotten her bells, and was not always sure where she was located.
Secondly, I did not have a cane, so if anyone were in the area, they would have the visual they needed to make the necessary assumptions and accommodations.
Thirdly, I did not actually know where people were, and if Little was headed toward them.
Thankfully, the universe was on my side, and everyone pretty much cleared out as we arrived so we had the place to ourselves.
Little jumped on the beanbags, pushed a wooden chair around that daddy and her affectionately call the truck, climbed over the big roundy stools, moved the crazy yinyang shaped cushions, and read books.
I sent a photo of where we were to Michael so he would not worry if per chance he arrived home before us.
He came to meet us and walk us home.
I told him he did not have to, but he wanted to play with us I think.
He said it was to help make things easier. Which it did.
However I knew going up there that I would have to be prepared to walk home by ourselves if need be.
Surprisingly enough it was not really an issue.
I just wanted Little to be happy. And if a walk was what would do it, then there was no question.
Not to mention it was a nice dark overcast day, so I could see comparatively well.
We were in the library for just over an hour, and judging by the look on Little’s face, she had a good time.
She and daddy played driving on the large roundy stools, whereby she sat on top, and he pushed her around the room.
Meanwhile I sat on the lounge by the window, scrolled through Facebook, checked my emails, took a thousand photos of them, and generally just relaxed.
We dropped by the supermarket on the way home to pick up a new tin of formula, because I was wondering whether the reason the cutie cute cute cute wasn’t sleeping was because we had accidentally changed brands earlier in the week.
We also needed some Barbecue Shapes. And by we, I mean mummy.
However, they weren’t on special, so I had to re-think my salty craving, and head for the chippy isle where Michael found me the biggest bag of crisps I have ever seen.
It is a rare occasion I don’t have a cane in my hand, and I was determined to make the most of it.
There was only one thing for it; I had to eat the chips.
I mean if you think about it, it is somewhat difficult to eat them with one hand.
I was so happy as I walked down the street with that giant bag of chips in one hand, and reaching into it with the other.
I was even clever enough to feed my husband at the same time.
When we got home, we raced through Emily’s bedtime routine before she fell into bed.
The poor little thing had no fight in her tonight.
So this is where we are.
6:00PM on a Sunday night, the laptop on my lap, a cup of coffee on the table beside me, and Michael preparing what is sure to be the best pizzas ever before we sit down for a night of television.
In terms of how fast our girl is growing, we can barely keep up.
Almost every time we pick her up, she is taller, heavier, and wigglier.
Her walking is coming along at a perfect pace.
And as for her standing independently, she is getting so good at it.
Language wise our girl is coming along in leaps and bounds.
As I said, cu is for cuddle, gone is for gone, bird is bird, but b is also bickie, car, and other things I don’t always comprehend.
However, a lot of her use of language is around context.
We can see she is really trying.
Nang nang nang nang nang is back, along with dididididididi, bububub, mamammam, bum, and a whole lot of other sounds I cannot spell.
You are such a cutie cute cute cute Little.
I hope you sleep well this evening.