Week 73 Wow wow wow!
How did I end up with a toddler?
As in seriously.
She does all those toddler things.
I have to pinch myself every time she does something cheaky, mundane, or way too cute.
We are actually raising a little person, I think to myself when she wanders off on her own, steels my apple, answers a question…
I try to see life through her eyes, but sadly I fail.
We must be doing something right, I continue along my merry way as she lifts up her shirt to show daddy her belly.
She is happy, healthy, and beautifully considerate of others.
No part of her feels grotesque the way I do, I think with relief.
And may it always be that way!
I love learning from her non judgemental place in life.
She drops an apple, and she doesn’t see it as anything. Therefore she just picksit up and keeps eating.
Sure some might see that as ferryl, but I’m not about to impose an unnecessary conclusion on that for her.
Some snotty nose know it all will probably do that soon enough, and it will be all I can do not to say anything.
But for now, let her have her innovation.
I am always amazed at how she finds new ways to use old things.
Hello nappy hat.
Hello kitchen drum.
Hello tooth brush toe brush.
It has occurred to me that one of the reasons I am a good mother, is because I don’t mind doing things for her.
Because I know all too well, that if she could do them herself, she would.
So of course I will help her switch socks, put a cup on the bench, open the piano, build a tower, and a million other repetitive tasks, which have to be done each day.
Because God knows if I could do things myself I would.
So why should she have to wait.
Yes of course I will hand her that plate, and have her hand it back a second later.
Yes of course we can close this drawer over and over and over again.
Yes of course we can put your gumboots on for the gazillions time.
Monday is my side ways job day.
Once again the novelty of being home in nine minutes sent a thrill down my spine.
I am loving the flexibility and the speed of it all.
As it was, if I had needed to switch things up in order to fit around Michael taking the car for a service, it could have been easily accommodated.
There is something comforting about knowing I can duck home for an hour in the middle of the day if need be, and it not take up the finite amount of energy or time I have left.
However as it turned out, I didn’t need to play that card.
As it turned out, I could stay back a little later than I otherwise had planned because indeed I would be home in a maximum of fifteen minutes. Which meant Michael had plenty of time throughout the afternoon to take the car to the mechanic before he shut up shop for the day.
Meanwhile Emily and I stayed at home and played with toys, had high/low tea, and read books on the lounge.
Her favourite is the animal book at the moment.
I am trying to teach her animal sounds.
So far all she knows is the gorilla, the ducklings, and sometimes the elephant.
After daddy arrived home they went for a quick walk around the block as it was raining, while I made giant choc chip biscotti.
Bath times are seriously the best!
We have such a lovely time while daddy does boring boy jobs like peel potatoes and take the rubbish out.
By the way, my husband uses mash potato inappropriately.
Sorry darling, but you do.
Tuesday my new friend Bronwyn came over with her three rug rats.
The pace was frenetic.
How strange it was to hold a baby again.
She was so tiny.
I can’t imagine Little being that small and light, but nor can I imagine her being as big as the boys either.
And for the first time since having Emily, I knew that if we had gone back for round two, that we would have handled it.
It didn’t feel unmanageable the way it previously has done.
This isn’t to say we are going to have a second though.
Michael has been quite clear about that. And I respect the boundary.
Although I have to say, now that we have started, it is taking a degree of restraint not to have any more.
Sometimes I still can’t look at him, because what if it magically just happens out of thin air?
I mean sure, we are too tired by the end of the day to do anything which might encourage such a blessed event, but that isn’t the point.
The point is, my husband is way, too handsome and helpful, which means surely an immaculate conception, is possible, yes?
If we were going back, the second one would already be close to five or six months old now.
Which now that we are at this point with Emily, it seems quite doable.
But at the time when we first had her, there was no way on God’s green earth we were going to add another to the mix.
Even with nine months’ notice.
So that ship has definitely sailed.
Michael says why improve on perfection.
While I have to confess to being afraid that my heart has no more room to love another as much as I do baby girl.
Sure it would be lovely – I think…
But then there are so many moments throughout our day when I am giving her my undivided attention that I couldn’t imagine having to tend to another little one at the same time.
I like giving her everything.
Well I like it during the day.
3:00AM is another story.
Sorry honey, but it is.
You’re not a high maintenance baby by any stretch.
But sometimes I run out of fuel before you do.
And I know you need more more more.
But I am empty after the sun goes to sleep.
Do I spoil her? Probably.
But do I care?
It was lovely to have children whizzing around our backyard.
They showed Emily things she had never thought of before, and I couldn’t have been happier.
Our garden will never be the same again.
I mean isn’t that part of why I insisted on having all the equipment we do?
So the kids would have somewhere to play.
I hope Bronwyn comes back.
I’d even managed to make biscotti.
Although that was a team effort.
Because when they were due to come out of the oven the first time, I was in the bath with Emily, which meant that Michael had to cut them into slices.
I’m not sure what he thought I meant by finger width, but I think it was payback from when I used to make him Fred Flintstone sized sandwiches for work.
Nice going honey.
Gulliver’s fingers maybe.
By the time our visitors left, Emily was exhausted.
I thought she would be down for the count, but as it was, she may have gone down quickly, but she was up within an hour.
I could barely believe it.
However Michael had to take her because I was on a mission.
I needed to find some relief for my vision.
Again I am on the witch-hunt.
Not for a cure, but for some comfort.
Apple cider vinegar, castor oil, things I cannot pronounce, carrots, green shit, dairy free, and a host of other alternatives pop up in my google search.
The question is, which one to try first.
Oh if only laser surgery were an option.
Wednesday I woke on a mission.
Emily and I were going to playgroup, come hell or high water.
I could not bear another day in the house, when I knew we could be doing something else.
So I woke Michael, and told him the go.
I am sick of trying to save our pennies.
I’ll find the money somewhere, I had said a little too aggressively.
More to myself than anything.
Although I am aware how it came across.
So ever the dutiful husband, he agreed.
I’ll drive you he said, sculling a quick cup of coffee.
Thank you, I thought.
I hadn’t really wanted to walk, but I would have if need be.
Not often did I wake up with the energy for such adventures, but this had to be done.
I could not cope with the day dragging on.
It seemed to stretch ahead of us like chewing gum.
I couldn’t see the end.
I couldn’t even see through until naptime.
Emily was already climbing the walls at 8:00am.
It wasn’t fare on her.
After all, it wasn’t as if we could hang out at the local shopping centre.
I was grateful Michael had taken us.
I needed him to speak on my behalf.
I didn’t know how the system worked.
What kind of paperwork I would have to fill in, or where did I put the money.
I wasn’t even sure how to enter the building.
But as I said, I was determined.
So even if Michael had said no.
I would have taken us and circled that church until I found an door.
I was sick of missing out.
I was sick of the mamma questions in my head.
Besides, it was about time Emily tasted playdough.
I had been working up to this day for weeks.
To my surprise I wasn’t nervous.
I was focused.
I was prepared for the unfamiliarity of it all.
I was prepared for it to be a disaster.
What I wasn’t prepared for was it to go well.
But Emily needed to spend more time with kids her own age.
Not just the ones we found in the park or at the library.
She needed some more structure, and so did we.
Michael introduced us to the organiser, as he paid and signed us in.
I nearly cried when we spotted Emily’s best friend.
Because if Ronya was there, then Ronya’s mummy would be there.
Not only that, but there were at least three other people we knew.
Therefore it wasn’t as overwhelming or scary as it could have been.
After all, we weren’t in a room full of strangers.
Come to think of it, there were probably other people we knew, or at least recognised, that I simply couldn’t see.
It was with a small amount of hesitation Michael eventually left.
I knew he was worried.
However given the man had not made the most of our first Tuesday is business day, I was eager for him to get going.
My plan had been that while we were at playgroup he would work on the business.
His plan was while we were at playgroup he would clean the bathroom.
I guess I can’t really complain.
I felt really out of my depth as Emily wandered from one thing to another.
Nobody had explained how anything worked, or where anything was.
It was only by accident that I found the play dough table, and sat down with baby girl.
However she wasn’t particularly interested in playdough.
Banging the rolling pin on the side of the table was far more enjoyable.
I need to buy her a rolling pin.
Sometimes Seyrin, Ronya’s mummy would come and get her.
However most of the time Emily was happy to do her own thing.
At one point we found ourselves at a puzzle table.
I hate puzzles.
I really hate puzzles.
But if puzzles is what she wants, then puzzles are what we do.
Still nobody really explained how things worked.
So I was shocked when tables and chairs started moving Harry Potter style around the room.
Just when I had almost figured everything out, I thought.
For a moment I lost Emily, and had to call to her.
This was kind of humiliating.
However what else is a blind mama supposed to do.
I had followed her as closely as I could most of the time.
Did other parents follow their kids?
I didn’t know.
All I knew was that we were somewhere with people I did not know.
So of course I had to follow her everywhere.
I hoped my presence wasn’t cramping her style.
She usually takes my hand, but more and more I am noticing her propensity for walking on her own.
So I hover above.
And hope to hell she is playing nicely with other kids, and they are playing nicely with her.
Morning tea came and went.
Emily wasn’t that interested.
Somehow we ended up with Ronya and Seyrin on whatever table we stumbled across.
Be that on purpose or by coincident, I will never know.
Then came the singing and the dancing.
Much to Ronya’s chagrin, Emily climbed up on Seyrin’s lap, stuck her fingers in her mouth, and snuggled in.
Meanwhile mummy was left without a baby to hold, and knowing absolutely no actions to any of the songs.
Let alone the words.
I felt stupid and awkward.
I watched the other kids all having a good time, and couldn’t imagine Emily being that big.
Eventually she came back to me, but not for long.
I don’t know what it is about Seyrin, but Emily adores her.
However Ronya cares far more than Emily does, if her mummy picks someone else up.
Ronya is such a sensitive little thing, and I am always surprised at how chatty she is, or how many actions she knows to all the songs.
Clearly I don’t do enough of that type of thing with Emily.
For now I blame the boot, as it hampers my efforts to move.
Nothing to do with we don’t actually own any kids music.
But I guess everyone has their parenting strengths.
Ronya may be ahead in some ways, but Emily is ahead in others.
So it all evens out.
I was almost relieved when it started to rain just as we were getting ready to leave.
Rain meant that Michael would have to come and get us.
I had bought the hippy thing just in case, but I knew it was going to be a long walk if I were to carry Emily to our house.
He arrived just as I reached the back door.
How did it go, he asked, as he kissed me hello.
It went well.
I think we’ll come again next week, I replied.
Each of us surprised by my declaration.
It was hard, but she seemed to like it, I continued.
When we reached home, I needed a hot cup of tea, some lunch, and for Michael to put Emily down for a nap.
I was shattered.
I thought she would sleep for ages.
However I was oh so wrong.
Michael took advantage of the quiet provided by sleeping beauty, and went shopping.
However she was up and about well before he returned.
Still it rained on and off, so we were stuck inside.
Although at least now we only had an afternoon to pass before bedtime, and not the entire day.
Emily seemed to appreciate her toys more, now that we had been somewhere else.
As usual we sat on the kitchen floor and ate our high/low tea, lingered in a warm bath, she had a bottle, and fought her bed.
Thursday we were back to mummy’s workday.
However given it was quiet, I opted to stay home.
I couldn’t see the point in dragging my body through the city for nothing.
I have been so unmotivated regarding work lately.
Please please please Michael, we need to get cracking.
My body is screaming at me to change direction.
I know you support me, but I need you to support us.
Dinner we can divide.
Housework we can share.
Little we can tag team.
But some of the infrastructure for the business, only you can do.
Emily pottered and played around the yard with her daddy.
Before I knew it she was ready for a nap.
The day seemed to fly by.
Snacks, park, bath, bottle, bed.
I love bath time.
Even though it is the same every day, it is always slightly different.
We find a new nursery rhyme to sing, or a new toy to take with us.
This week it is a toothbrush.
Who knew that mummy needed help brushing her teeth. But a
according to Little I do, and she is the girl to do it.
Michael says since we have started playing that game, she now bares her teeth at him when he brushes hers.
Whereas before, she didn’t really know what was going on.
Should we be putting toothpaste on her brush yet?
Friday morning I did have to go to work.
However by 11:30am I was on my way home.
No point in hanging around if there is nothing to do, when there is so much to do at home.
It feels strange to be walking through the Queen Victoria Building with nothing but a cane, and my opal card.
Most of the time I don’t even bother with a handbag.
I’ve been toying with restructuring how I work, but haven’t done anything about it yet.
It has almost been a year since I returned from maternity leave.
I wonder whether I will still be there by Christmas.
I arrived home just as Michael was putting Emily down for a nap.
This meant I had an hour to tweak some of the business copy.
Still it doesn’t read well to me.
It is as if I am trying too hard.
I don’t like it, and it comes across as though I am awkward and uptight.
why can’t I explain it with the same ease on paper as I can when I am talking to people.
And by talking I mean in a very casual setting.
I am still bamboozled by what my pitch, mission, values, or any type of presentation could, should, or would be.
Even though it is becoming more and more clear I cannot hide behind an online shop, and have it do my bidding for me, but that I have to get out there and do some more public speaking again.
I am considering Toastmasters, just as I did a decade ago.
However I think I will have to wait until daylight saving arrives, before I can walk up to the local chapter on my own.
It is in the same place where Emily now goes to playgroup, which is really convenient. However with a start time of 7:00pm, on every second Wednesday of the month, it is difficult for me to get to on my own.
So the best of intentions and all that jazz.
I figure it is a good way to brush up on my skills, and have my speaker’s voice kick back in.
I know the text book way to go about building a speaking career is to start off small, and volunteer my time at schools, community groups, and eventually build up to corporate events etc.
But that seems too small and too safe.
Surely there is another way I haven’t thought of.
But what does it matter, considering I haven’t got any stories ready.
But how do I get my stories, if we have no business to back us?
And how do I do the suite of courses I really want to do when they cost more than six months’ rent?
I need to find a new way to be.
I feel terrible that I haven’t taken Emily to the park in what seems like an age.
Daddy has been doing that type of thing.
Friday afternoon they were off again.
Leaving me to squander my time with tea and chocolate.
I try to wait to take the washing off the line, because Emily likes to help.
It takes six times as long, but I don’t care.
I hoisted her up on the hippy thing, and we take one peg off at a time, put it in the bag, and then take the item of clothing and put it in the basket.
Michael and I are very careful to always let baby girl help when she likes, because we want to create a team culture.
Now if only I could get her to do her puzzles, and find her blocks at the end of the day.
More and more we are reading books together.
Speaking of which, that means we are in need of some new ones.
It is disconcerting to pick up a book and have it without braille.
However the ones we bought her for Christmas are so worn out.
Saturday was my first weekend day at my side-ways job.
I was looking forward to the busyness.
Sure enough I wasn’t disappointed.
Given the shocker week I had in terms of being busy at my old job, we needed the money.
The time seemed to fly by, and before I knew it I was racing home to see my baby girl.
She sort of knows our weekly routine, and Saturdays are a bit different than usual.
I was worried she wouldn’t take to it well.
But as usual, it is mummy who has more trouble adjusting to new things than Little.
When I arrived home she was still asleep, and I found daddy working on something in the back yard.
When Emily woke, we ate high/low tea together before she was whisked off for her afternoon park trip.
We met an hour later in the bath, as that is a standing appointment we have for each day.
How do I ever pick a favourite time, when they are all good.
Breakfast is good, snuggles are good, naps are good, high/low tea is good, baths are good, books are good, and bed is super good.
This morning we were up early to give daddy a sleep in.
I thought it only fair given that I was at the movies with my friend Catherine this afternoon seeing Ab Fab.
I spent the morning folding clothes and trying to read the seven habits of highly effective people.
Holy shit business books are boring.
I couldn’t decide what to wear to the movies, and it wasn’t until after I hopped in Catherine’s car that it came to me I had the perfect doudy outfit right at my finger tips the entire time.
It is always lovely to see Catherine, and we are forging quite the lovely relationship the more time we spend with one another.
She is so easy.
And so clever.
We like some of the same things, and never seem to run out of things to talk about.
As we walked into the cinema,I was confused by the headset.
I had asked for a vision impaired headset, but given I never go to the movies, I didn’t know what to expect from it.
When I put it on, all it did was play the movie in stereo.
There was no audio description.
Was there supposed to be audio description?
I had no idea.
Luckily Catherine was there to do her brilliant job of commentating.
However given this movie was so much more fast moving than the last one we saw, I felt like I was missing a lot.
I am familiar with Ab Fab, so was able to pick up on many of the lines which were from the television series that others may have missed, but the visual gags were lost on me.
I had made Michael watch an episode or two the evening before, and much to my delight he was cracking up at the jokes the way he does with the big bang theory.
Unbelievably to me, he had never seen an episode.
But that was high-school, I said to him.
Says she who is a decade younger.
Like yeah, that is exactly what he was doing in his mid to late twenties. Watching Ab Fab on a Friday night.
When we took the headset back to the counter Catherine and I explained that we didn’t think it was correct, and the gentleman behind the counter was apologetic.
We don’t have vision impaired headsets for this movie he said.
But your website says you do, we argued.
As if it was going to make a difference.
I’m sure you asked for a vision impaired headset Catherine said to me after we left our details for the manager to call me and resolve the situation.
The reason we had chosen this cinema was so I could access the movie, and this was all very frustrating.
Well ok, so it wasn’t that frustrating.
Because how can a girl be truly frustrated when she got an afternoon out with good company, a funny movie, and no responsibility.
We couldn’t find anywhere nearby to have a drink, so we ended up at my house balancing tea cups and giant biscotti as Emily played between us.
Emily likes Catherine, and she wanted to go home with her.
It was all we could do to keep her with us.
I had to bribe her with a bath as we walked inside and Catherine drove away.
Thanks for a great time girl.
The bed time battle was its usual fun filled affair.
I can’t wait until she can do it by herself.
Well that is what I say.
But I’m not ready to give up that rocking chair quite yet.
But I know it won’t be long until she no longer asks for a bottle and a cuddle.
So I better take the good with the crying, and just get on with loving her no matter what.
After all, there is always more fuel in the tank, even when I am convinced there is not.